Monday, November 3, 2008

Misunderstood and Alone

It' been a tough fight to say the least, determined to overcome the odds and physical barriers and master my health [more or less without medical aid, for that matter] hasn't been tough enough, particularly lately without my beloved running and the 4000 calorie diet on a digestive system that turns itself inside out on me...
But I've been doing it, not perfectly, but at the very least I've heald strong on my ridiculously high intake [considering I should easily gain on a 2000-something diet] and actually managed to gain for 3 weeks consistently so far. I've also seen progress in my strength, and even my pelvis seems to be healing, all be it not allowing me to run much just yet.

Then days like today come along, and not only is it harder than ever to hold the fight [so much going on + extra bad GI issues]....but the accusations and judgements, which I know are ut there, become manifest--just in time to rub salt in my battle wounds.

This one girl is always pestering me about my weight. At first I thought she was just concerned, but that quickly changed. Apparently she used to have an eating disorder and hence is convinced that can be the only thing going on. She flatout called me a liar today, said she knew I was starving myself and in denial and went on and on and ended with "when you're reading to talk I'm here." [yeah right]
I want to point out that I do NOT look down on those struggling with eating disorders. I think that in general they are some of the people with the most quality, personality, and inner strength [especially once recovering in their own significant battles] on the planet-no joke.
The thing with this isn't that I'm hurt to being "labeled" wrong, it's more so the slap in the face after everything I've done. I mean really it doesn't matter if I eat 1500 calories or 4000--the point is I've got to do what I need to be healthy. But it hurts to have to fight so hard [it would take a lot with working organs to consistently eat that much!] and then have someone accuse me of just the opposite.
And I wish I COULD talk to someone about my struggles. But someone who understands or at the very least is open to let me be who I am, as contradictory as my situation is.
I don't understand it myself, how can I expect anyone else to?
But then...does the fact that it doesn't make logical sense have to mean everything I've done is a joke?

Ok, I'm starting to cry again so I'm going to stop there...sorry to whine again, but I had to get it out somewhere/how...

2 comments:

LizNoVeggieGirl said...

Nell, you are NOT a liar - do not listen to that girl!! You know I'm here for you!!

Amy said...

Hi - I just found your blog, and while I am definitely not an expert nor do I know your whole story, I have had a similar though much less intense experience. I am anemic and also went through a severe bout of stomach problems. After trying endoscopy, colonoscopy (with no results) and acupuncture (with limited success) an acupuncturist referred me to a book called "The Diet Cure". I followed the elimination diet (a pain) but it made a huge difference for me and provided great guidance if that's what you're looking for.

Best of luck!