Lessons Learned and Progress Made

Another low night through morning for me on the GI front. I got a little carried away with allowing things yesterday. After deciding to test some products that have only minor [<2%] lactose or soy ingredients, I had the deliscious soup I’d been craving which had both. Then I just let things go downhill-citric acid and artificial sweeteners added to the mix! Oh no…I didn’t have any immediate flare-ups aside from the usual digestion discomfort and bathroom prob’s, but nothing new. Then the night plummeted to reminiscent of the old times. This morning was back to barely coping.

At first I thought I’d lost it. So much for rebuilding my diet. But you now what? I haven’t. So far I’ve stabilized enough in less than ten days that I could actually pinpoint things to flare-ups—for instance, the last few bad nights were always after adding flax to my shake. I also only had problems with oatmeal with flax. So even if not healed, I was steady enough to be able to notice problem foods already! Plus I digested veggies and even a bit of red pepper like I never could have handled in the past. Healing already begun?

Now I just need to get back on track…
Same diet makeup, system continued. Yes, I can probably try out some citric acid and minor soy or lactose ingredients—but not all at once and not going crazy with it! I have to keep the overall goal in mind and not be so “either eat it or don’t”—finding out what I can handle and how much.

A few other positive notes:
-I’ve kept my intake solid at 30-3200 for a full week. Yes, I anticipate stepping forward, but so far this is a major step forward as I haven’t maintained an intake even when I was running and active. Plus, I’ve actually been gaining steadily! .5lb the first week [starting from my December low], 1 the second, and so far another 1-2 halfway through the third week. I am moving along steadily towards my physical goals and healing!
-my *training* is progressing even if at a laughable level.
This week I get 1hour and 15 minutes of activity.
I went for my second run of the year today, and all be it a measly one, I was shocked to look down at my garmin and see that I’m cruising—in thick snow, no less—at a pace I was fighting for back in the midst of hardcore training last summer! I’m getting stronger and going faster with less effort now, even with practically no training, just by tending to my physical needs. Woohoo!

Scared

I'm scared.

I want someone to tell me what's wrong and how to fix it.
I want them to step me through it.

I feel so alone. I have hope to figure it out, of what might fix it, but still so lost.

And what if it doesn't work?
How long can I continue on like this?
What could my future become?

I don't even know what's right to do in my physical state--what's going on physically, what will cause more damage.

And I must find out how to fix it...before it's too late.

WOW

I have to admit, I have never reacted this quickly and strongly when “trying something different” [aka going off] previous elimination plans.
It started with me quickly realizing what I’d took for granted during those two weeks of eliminating problem foods, most strictly gluten, soy, and lactose. No, I wasn’t normal, I wasn’t healed, I still had issues—but I sure improved a heck of a lot in two weeks and really was relatively stable! I realized that as things quickly took a turn for the worse.
I thought maybe it was just coincidence. After all, I was starting on a plan with consistent and increased intake [plus no activity], with no extremes (limited fruit and fiber, barely any veggies, almost no soy and lactose still—mostly just more gluten and still overall “easy on the gut” foods)…this would all pay off: my digestion would calm down, I’d gain weight, I’d heal. Right?
If only it were so simple…

Only one day of eating gluten and a teeny bit of soy and things immediately took a turn back for the worse. Two nights later I was again at a low point and the following day was nonstop and escalating problems. Yesterday at work was pretty tricky. Mentally I’m reassuring myself it has to be coincidence, but it’s déjà vu. Things are back where they used to be and I’m struggling to function, even with “better” eating [by the all overall intake and “good foods to eat on the job to get easy calories” theory].
And it’s a blessing from Heaven that I didn’t have work today. Back to my unfunctionable low. Gut spasming in ways that terrified me. My insides tearing apart. From uncomfortable messy-stuck to gut spasming in ways that terrify me and feel like my body might literally be quitting. I already had to cancel my plans to go out just now. More importantly—my health, my future. Yes, I’m underweight and need to gain—but “treating” that alone isn’t going to make everything better if my gut won’t work.
Eating more, eating consistently, may be good things—but not the solution for whatever’s going on with my messed up system. L
I think I went back to that mindset when someone asked me if I had an eating disorder. To look at me is to think I’m just starving, and if I have digestion problems it’s because of that.
I want it to be that simple so bad.
But why can’t I count instead on what I’ve learned for years now?! If that was my fix than the meal plans I was so brutal about enacting back in college would have long since lead me to a strong athletic body. My digestion would be much improved, not at a low point I could have hardly imagined.
And to those who don’t understand, I want them to get in my body. To realize it’s not about not liking the discomfort, it’s about wrecking havoc on my life and my ability to take care of my physical needs and gain weight. They say eat 3,4, 5000 calories—whatever it takes—but they don’t realize this doesn’t do me any good if my system can’t take the nourishment I provide.
I know this can’t continue—not because it’s uncomfortable, but because it’s not curing me from the root cause.

Yes, I need to continue the meal plan process—counting and all that, until I reach a healthy point with my physical state and activity. BUT that alone isn’t my cure. If anything, it’s been incredible discouraging since I force myself to eat saying it will “fix these problems” and instead they get worse—and fast. My nutrition therapy is going to have to work in the process of building my diet [yes, like I knew deep down and even started]…I can build that and be patient and persevere as my body heals, stabilizes, and finally is capable of using the steady nourishment I give it with my meal plans to build it to peak health and athletics.