Wakeup Call and Beginning a Viscious Quest

I had an appointment with a physician yesterday and went from being concerned and frustrated with my health to terrified. I now feel like and invalid, a disaster waiting to happen. I am determined to go to the most extreme measures to make the turnaround I need, including completely cutting out activity and establishing a rigid meal plan to get things headed in the right direction. Only once I get the fundamentals-my health-in order can I even begin to build the athlete I have roaring from within.

So back at my followup with GI: the Dr. wasn’t much help [again] but she certainly did scare me. She said she is honestly afraid for my life. My iron is still alarmingly low, my white blood cell counts are low, and there is a very concerning absorption issue. Furthermore my bones are heading down the drain as I continue on without a period! She said my organs and heart are at risk as well.
Then I went to work and had my boss talk to me and ask me if I had an eating disorder. I just answered with what I know—which is that I don’t know, but if I do then I want to get better because I want my health back so bad. Whatever’s going on I need to get it taken care of, but I feel like I’m helpless. I have people telling me I’m underweight, anemic, and losing my bones, but don’t know how to fix it. I hate being sick. I hate not running. I miss my team, my running, and I’m scared I’ll never get it back. Everything within me wants to be a top level runner, and yet I sit around like an invalid—not because I can’t move, but because I’m terrified that if I do, I’ll be sacrificing my athletic dreams. But it has to work. I have to have an action plan and stick to it. I have to make a turnaround and progress. No one is telling me what to do about all this, so I’m trying to do it on my own. I’m determined and tenacious, and I can apply that same spirit here as I have to my passions, since it is my passions and future life that depends on getting these fundamentals in place!

I weighed myself this morning and am the lowest I’ve been this year. Almost down to my low point a couple years back—only now I’m also starting to seeing more physical side effects to my prolonged low weight and malnutrition [which continues to escalate as the digestion problems get worse].
My doctors haven’t told me to stop training altogether, but I did. I feel okay but I don’t want to find out the hard way that I’m not.

I’m trying to make my training plan right now a nutritional therapy plan, the only thing I can think of to fix me. After all, it's eating that is associated with so many problems--it's what hurts me, but it's lack of getting the nutrition that leaves me with this increasing doom on my body. Hopefully by changing my eating I can change the damage.

I set weight quotas where I can start some Pilates and toning, easy cardio, and eventually a more restricted running plan when I reach my first target weight range.

I made a daily calorie goal of 3000, because that’s about what I was averaging with 2 hour practices every day. I’m hoping without the physical training this intake will make me gain weight and hopefully heal me too.

I’m also making a strict meal plan with amounts I have to eat during the day. In the past I prefer to just eat as I go and make sure I meet my calorie goal before bed. But right now I think I need to make sure I’m getting a steady intake rather than starving when my stomach is acting out then binging to make up for it. I know that just messes me up more. As I make progress I can flex more with eating as I want with a calorie backbone, and eventually eating freely as I enjoy doing--when I know how to eat to meet my needs!

I’m playing around with what I can eat. Trying to limit fiber, yet not eliminate it or my gut REALLY doesn’t work. If I don’t see improvement with a steady meal plan structure I might have to truly do a strict diet buildup. But I’m going to give this a chance first, since my diet has been so all over the place in terms of what and when and how much I eat these past months with all the stomach chas. Right now I have criteria to keep my intake steady and everything [besides known problem foods of course] in moderation; definitely no diet crap even though our house is filled with it and it’s yummy.

Up next is more steps forward. Increasing intake as necessary, and possibly messing around more with what I can and cannot eat. I’ve got to do this. I’ve got to get my body healthy and working. I’m so desperate, so frustrated, and yet so determined.