Misunderstood and Alone

It' been a tough fight to say the least, determined to overcome the odds and physical barriers and master my health [more or less without medical aid, for that matter] hasn't been tough enough, particularly lately without my beloved running and the 4000 calorie diet on a digestive system that turns itself inside out on me...
But I've been doing it, not perfectly, but at the very least I've heald strong on my ridiculously high intake [considering I should easily gain on a 2000-something diet] and actually managed to gain for 3 weeks consistently so far. I've also seen progress in my strength, and even my pelvis seems to be healing, all be it not allowing me to run much just yet.

Then days like today come along, and not only is it harder than ever to hold the fight [so much going on + extra bad GI issues]....but the accusations and judgements, which I know are ut there, become manifest--just in time to rub salt in my battle wounds.

This one girl is always pestering me about my weight. At first I thought she was just concerned, but that quickly changed. Apparently she used to have an eating disorder and hence is convinced that can be the only thing going on. She flatout called me a liar today, said she knew I was starving myself and in denial and went on and on and ended with "when you're reading to talk I'm here." [yeah right]
I want to point out that I do NOT look down on those struggling with eating disorders. I think that in general they are some of the people with the most quality, personality, and inner strength [especially once recovering in their own significant battles] on the planet-no joke.
The thing with this isn't that I'm hurt to being "labeled" wrong, it's more so the slap in the face after everything I've done. I mean really it doesn't matter if I eat 1500 calories or 4000--the point is I've got to do what I need to be healthy. But it hurts to have to fight so hard [it would take a lot with working organs to consistently eat that much!] and then have someone accuse me of just the opposite.
And I wish I COULD talk to someone about my struggles. But someone who understands or at the very least is open to let me be who I am, as contradictory as my situation is.
I don't understand it myself, how can I expect anyone else to?
But then...does the fact that it doesn't make logical sense have to mean everything I've done is a joke?

Ok, I'm starting to cry again so I'm going to stop there...sorry to whine again, but I had to get it out somewhere/how...

November Begins...

I hesitate to post because [once again] I have no idea where to begin or even how to sum things up. Nonetheless, I want to update as November begins [and I have big plans for it and the rest of this year!], and before a crazy week kicks in [training for my new job working in the nutrition department at the hospital! ….and school midterm stuff –YUCK!] I’ll start by summing up the good/bad:

The good:
>My pelvis is feeling so good these days that I continuously forget I’m injured! I don’t gimp around or walk carefully, and in my strength training class I have to consciously make myself go easy on the legs because the exercises don’t cause any pain!
>I am getting stronger way faster than I new possible. Each week when I hit the lifting routine [I have two different routines I do on my own] whatever weights and reps I did last week feels like nothing! And it keep happening every week!
Also, I can cross train at progressively harder resistances on the same speed.
>These last two weeks I’ve managed to overcome my stomach ailments and malabsorption issues PLUS a lot of getting sick and taking a mega laxative for the biopsy/endoscopy…
...and gain [+ hold strong] a real pound!
I know it seems like nothing, but I haven’t really held on to weight gain in ages, and with everything going on I expected to be fighting a loss—even my mom warned me about how much weight I’d lose through the procedure. …or not—HAH!
>While I have a lot of work to do on my diet, it has improved dramatically. I eat 500-1000 cals more than I did when training twice as hard, and for the most part I’ve almost doubled my fat intake [something I need but don’t particularly crave—I’ve always been a carb addict, I swear I grew up on a 99% carb diet!].

The Bad:
>While I seem to be healing in every other way, my trial runs haven’t improved. I still can only carefully gimp out 3m at 11mpm as I gingerly gait in a way that involves the least pulling on the strained pelvis/groin.
>GI issues are still taking a major toll on my life. Not only do they make my fulltime eating job worse, but they hinder what I get out of it. It really messes with my time, my mood and self, and my reputation—all the way to things like my work and school!
>On that note, equally frustrating is the medical dilemma. So much that I need in terms of medical testing and care is off limits since I don’t have insurance. That goes for the injury, GI problems, and treatment for my newly diagnosed severe [alarming according to the Dr. I was able to see] anemia.

So…from there I guess I’ll move on with the latest bit of medical news—the anemia. I was surprised with this, as I always thought to be iron deficient one was chronically tired. If anything, I don’t sleep enough—although I do live a pretty sluggish life I suppose. In any case, it explains a heck of a lot about the frustrating end to the summer. Suddenly not seeming to be able to get my runs to where they used to be, much less at the level they should be with the kind of training I’ve put in.
The good thing about this diagnosis is it’s a straightforward fix [fill the iron deficit] and I can only imagine what I could feel like if I had even just half a normal ferratin level!
The bad is that it’s really challenging to actually make up the deficit, especially one as big as I’ve got, through diet and even a supplement alone. I really need treatment—ideally an IV treatment or two—or at least a prescription…and I don’t have that option due to finances.

So, to sum it up and skip a lot of saga the point here’s the scoop right now

I’ve been diagnosed as severely anemic [ferritin <0.5] with low white blood cell counts, progesterone, and follicle stimulating hormone [whatever that is!]. This, combined with [and most likely contributing too] another round of injuries, has led me to totally reset my training [just starting to run at all again, <10mpw, after a couple weeks off and deferring my marathon].
The physical issues I am dealing with in terms of anemia, being underweight, poor injury resistance, and possibly deteriorating bones, are not as “simple” as they may be for your typical underweight/malnourished runner. That is to say that in my case, eating properly and eating more don’t solve things for me. It take 2-3X the amount that should give someone my age, size, and activity level adequate nutrients, calories, calcium, iron, and so on to be in top physical condition. Yet I have the body of a starved anorexic.
This means that a vital part of long term health and my running future is dependent on getting to the root of this. Yes, I may be able to overcome for yet another come back, increase my iron, and even to force some weight on. But unless I get the underlying cause under control who knows how long that can last for me.

The main problem is what I noted about finances. I already ran myself broke for the original round of tests and have exhausted what Dr. visits were allowed before I have to start choking up $$. The endoscopy flopped [the prep didn’t work] and whiel I hope the biopsy might come up with something, the Dr. really wants me to go through at least a test where you swallow a pill with a camera on it to go through your digestive system. This is really important for identifying irritable bowel diseases. Furthermore, I need real treatment with my iron at the levels I am at—another thing off limits to me.

So anyways, I might as well stop moaning about what I can’t deal with and now focus on what I do plan to do.
Basically, it’s going to come down to lifestyle management.

1. With the GI issues, while I might not necessarily be able to cure a disease [unless it’s Celiac’s], I have learned that one way or the other I will need to find the diet that works with it. This goes with all conditions from gallbladder to diabetes, and mine being digestive is certainly no exception.
Hence, I plan to start a real elimination test/diet buildup that I go through with. I’m not just
winging it randomly this time. I’m preparing, seeking information, and setting myself up for real progress with it.

2. With my training, I absolutely have to keep my eyes on where I want to be vs. what I can do now. Not only to maintain hope, but just plain to make sure I do, or don’t do, what I need to now in order to get there. Right now this might mean cutting out what little running I’m doing altogether again, since it seems to be the one thing not improving. I hate to lose what little taste I get, but ultimately I want to be REALLY running as soon as possible.
I’m looking to 2009, and using 2008 to set up for that: where I want to be then—making sure I’m healthy, solid, and ready to progress to the “extreme running” I love so much—and to do it long term, not only not in shaky territory with my body, but with the kind of performance I really want out of it!

In specifics, here’s November’s Gamplan:

Training
Exactly what I said with #2. I’m giving one more run a shot tomorrow, but then going to do whatever I need to get solid. Next week I plan to work what cross training and strength I can around how I’m doing physically—I am not setting criteria or expectations except that I want to do [or not do] each day what ever will best serve my future.

Diet
I am once again going for a solid 4000 kcals a day. Ironically, when I went on this mission last time I was running 80-90mpw, and I couldn’t hold that level. Can I really do it now? We’ll see…I think getting yet another 500+ calories on top of my recent 3500 average will ensure that I continue to overcome whatever I’m not absorbing [or burning off with a metabolism that seems to catch up and fight me on every increase] so that I can maintain the positive energy balance I need to hold—both to gain weight, and weight gain aside [because my Dr. said the energy balance was the key here—not the weight or even % body fat!], to allow my body to give me a period again [vital for my bone health].

In addition to the total cals, I’m continuing to work on increasing my fat, iron, and calcium intake. I’m also cutting out all the “diet treats” I enjoy [since my house is full of it with everyone dieting—hello kashi and light versions!], reducing fiber, and working on eliminating soy.

Next week I plan to start my diet builup/elimination testing. This week I am carefully monitoring possible triggers, although I have to admit the whole GI thing is such a mess right now I know that won’t give me any straight forward answers—which is why I have to clean the slate and rebuild my diet from ground 0, testing one thing at a time, to really find what works for me.

Before then I have time to prepare, set up my testing system, and also go to a celiac/food allergy and intolerance meeting next Saturday which will hopefully give me more insight, guidance, and support.

I’ll need all of the latter I can get! I have tried to do this a number of times but always caved—when I’m trying to force large amounts of food on an uncooperative system, I get sick of guidelines and just want to eat whatever. But in the long run, I know eating will be easier and even enjoyable if I can go through with this—now if only I can remember that when I’m not feeling the umph!

In any case, time to hit the bathroom and hope it’s as painless and quick as possible…then it’s 1000 cals more tonight to get Nov. 1 to 4000!
-->Which brings me to another big goal: TIMING!
I do NOT want the calorie increase to leave to even more late night cramming. It’s hard to eat 4K style all day, especially when trying to cope with GI issues and function…but it all becomes ten times as bad when I have to do this night binge thing.

FLOP!

So much for reasing back into running. :( I started out better than earlier this week. I could manage a cautious, somewhat gimpy, short-strided jog. Nothing to do much for my running, but what I hoped would be a step in the direction to rebuilding my running. Except that by the time I got to the end of our road the tugging had turned into yanking and I could barely move by a half mile.

Grrr…I hope that stopping instead of pushing even 1 measly mile keeps me from going too far backward. I probably won’t even be able to XT today, aside from my upper body weights.
D___: I’m missing the best running weather ever, not to mention the best part of my life, and rapidly losing all the pre-season fitness I build this summer! And all started with the logical idea that some recovery would help…hah, when will I learn that my body is NOT logical!?!

Update on the Unknown

I felt like I should post an update after my last couple posts, but honestly I still don’t have a lot of hard info.

GI stuff:
I won’t really know anything until some “real tests” are done, starting with the keys—an endoscopy, biopsy, and stool sample. Not fun at all, but I really need them done. ASAP I wish, but gotta wait 2 weeks for the test and then another for the resuts. #1 suspects are Chron’s or Colitis, and/or Celiacs.
Another prime suspect is more food intolerances. This could be a result of one of the above conditions or the sole cause of the malapsorbtion and constant prob’s. I keep failing my elimination tests that are needed to figure it out though. The start is so extreme that the restrictions as well as the new problems that arise from the extreme elimination part [like getting constipated from cutting out all my normal fibery grains and fruit and veggies!] always leave me giving up.
The elimination process is where you eliminate all possibilities and live off of gluten free grains, plain meats, and my lactaid or rice milk and then add things back one at a time to “test.” It sounds so nice and perfect until I go to do it!
I’ve also tried just randomly eliminating or limiting various suspects but my issues are so random and complicated that the whole thing is too messed up [literally] to come to any conclusions.
Sigh…

The leg-er-butt:
Since this phantom injury came out of nowhere when I stoped running I have been basically rendered me immobile. Didn’t even walk much for 2 days. Since then things have improved slightly—I was able to do some easy elliptical and strength work yesterday, and then a longer [but still so slow the old people next to me were going twice as fast] today with continued improved results. I can walk without a limp and I’m pain free now. I’m going to take it out for a trial run tomorrow morning…
What still frustrates me more than ever is that I was doing just fine until I stopped running! I was compromised, which is why I took time off, but at least I was running and improving!

Scared but Hopeful

I'm off to the long-awaited visit with the GI specialist.

After years of my normal Dr. kind of blowng off my constant "issues" and making me feel like a whiny baby for how they interfere my life [not to mention the consequences of malnourishment for me long term if something IS wrong!] I finally hooked up with some folks earlier this year who told me I'm the poster child for Chron's and Celiac's. After doing some research on my own I felt like I was reading my own story...after years of thinking I was the only one in the world who had problems like that, and even that most of it was just my OCD.

Anyhow, I have mixed feelings. I don't want something WRONG with me, but I DO want a solution. I'm praying for the latter, and hoping that the means of getting there is something doable and affordable for me.

Injured by Resting

After the race granted my plea to defer, I decided to take my recovery all the way. I stopped running and got off my feet—at the most extreme yet, despite the continuous cutbacks these past few months. Like I think I said before, I was improving and feeling much better a week ago, but still not where I “should” be. I really wanted to take advantage of this time, completely reset, and make sure I progressed all the way to my best potential, not limited by stuff I should have got over with and recovered from.

Anyhow, I decided to take a few days off, then go for a 3m run, and build from there [strategy mentioned at the end of my last post]. I haven’t run less than 6 miles [my recovery run length] in months, so it really was just more of a “warm up test run.” Well I finally got to this run yesterday, and it was mixed. The good was that I felt GREAT. I just wanted to SPRINT! The bad was that while most of the “reported” injuries were gone [on and off with my left pelvis, knee, and nagging shin splints], my groin overall was actually painful—enough to slow me down. I hoped that it was just a “getting moving” thing, and also that I was enough below the “threshold” to still recover despite my limited running.
However, things rapidly went downhill. I could barely walk the rest of the day, and the pain moved to the inside of my RIGHT pelvis. Still, I hoped it was all part of the process and headed out for test #2 this morning.
Words can’t describe my confused dismay. The pulling inside that right pelvis got to the point where I had to stop running altogether. Literally could not function. I have’t been THAT hurt since a stress fracture a year and a half ago.
And the worst part—ALL THIS AFTER RESTING.

Two weeks ago I ran a 20m run without any leg pain.
Last week I was getting stronger and faster every day playing it by ear [not making myself run more OR less] on 8-10m runs.
I decide to make sure I’m recovered all the way and now I’m BROKEN??!

I don’t even have words to describe how I feel right now.
Not just the injury—but the contradiction, the mystery.
WHY didn’t I just keep running?! I was doing fine until I slowed down…and stopping to “recover” was the breaking point.

The Decision

The Decision:
I decided not to run the Detroit Marathon.
A year ago, there’s no way I would have made a decision like this about my big race. But the thing is, my goal wasn’t to run a marathon. I signed up for Detroit because I wanted to race it.
After conquering the marathon at Bayshore + seeing what the distance was like and showing I could do it, I wanted to invest in my potential to improve and see what I could do in this race.
The way things are now, that’s not what’s going to happen. I’m 99% sure I could run it. I’m doing better all the time, probably in better condition than Bayshore to run such a race. But I don’t just want to run it. The point of running another marathon was to maximize my potential in my newfound ability to put in some real training, and race it—with time goals, splits, etc.

I’m impulsive and extreme, but I made sure not to jump to this conclusion. However, after weeks of thought over my options, I know if I want to run another marathon with the purpose of racing it and seeing what I can do with “real training” than I need to get to a point where I’m doing that—not where I’m “making it through.”
First though, I want to work on some shorter races. I’m excited with the opportunity to compete on a XC team as a grad student [since I red shirted some of m allotted "years" during undergrad], and training for 5K’s and 10K’s fits nicely into my goal to become a faster runner, getting stronger and improving my speed and power.

I’ve put a lot of work in this summer, and I still hope it wasn’t all for nothing. Obviously I’ve learned a lot, again—here I thought I’d finally figured out how to work best with my body by last spring! [Well, maybe I had….then I got sidetracked with my Pfitz plan instead of continuing with the working with my own signals and results—the very thing that made a frustrating injury saga turn into a rapid recovery and improvement beyond belief!]
But my prayer is that I can not only take what I’ve learned to do things “right” from here, but that once I’m more thoroughly recovered I will see some of the results of all the incredible fitness I built. It’s so hard to feel so out of shape now, and yet still do less, more than I have even BEFORE Bayshore [when I was “barely” training]. But I know that while running more now feels good, even keeps me in a momentary state of higher fitness, long term it compromises the kind of performance I can put out. I know I can get in cardiovascular shape, quickly. The real challenge will be having a solid foundation and proper progression so that I can be putting some higher level performances out of all that, not just being able to “run forever.”

The Gameplan:
So far I’ve played the last couple weeks by ear. Had some surprisingly good runs when I went out expecting nothing, but overall I’m still not completely reset. After a few nights low on sleep and a couple long(er!) runs in a row, my legs felt gimpy again and I took last night-this morning off, and I definitely feel ready to go this morning. But I am taking it all the way this time. It’s October—I’m reseting, building a base, and maximizing what I can get OUT of my training and not just peaking in how much I can train.
I’m calling this fall “Building the Foundation of an Elite Athelte, and October is specific to a full recovery so I am can build and progress without being held back.
One thing I have learned is that I CAN tell the difference between normal training quirks or nags that can be cured with a bag of ice, and real injury limits. I’m gong to use this in combination with everything I’ve learned about listening to my body to set up a system of recovery and rebuilding this fall.
I’m staying off the road until I can run injury-pain free [not just until it feels great to run and I can handle a steady pace]. Then I will start at 3, yes 3 [I can’t remember the last time I ran shorter than…6? Unless it was a double workout day…] miles completely strong and sturdy. From there I will build only when I duplicate the same mileage with continued improvement and no injury-pain onset. Once I get to 8-10 SOLID miles I will work in some beginning/intro speed workouts.
I do hope to maintain as much fitness as possible through cross training—but only when and how much so that it does not trigger the recovering injuries! It must be a help, not something that drags out my return to top level running training—and the performance/results that should go with that!
My main focus will be strength building. I need a solid foundation.
Coming through this “base building” I should be able to do leg work, power work, and my running workouts should not be limited by being injury prone. Whether I’m at 20mpw or 50, they will be miles adapted to my goal’s needs and training levels, NOT adapted to coping with a breakable body.